Thursday, September 25, 2014

I'm Pregnant, but...

I had waited years to try to get pregnant again - praying about just the right timing. I wanted everything to be "perfect."

But then my Mom died. So we waited longer.

Then, I felt as though this September was the month we should move forward in our fertility journey. Besides, most of my friends are pregnant. And I just felt led to do it.

I'd prayed a lot about it. And knew I would be pregnant.

I just knew it.

Last Tuesday, September 16, I went in to our fertility doctor with Ryan and Talitha and finally had my last two embryos from 2010 implanted.

My "totsicles" woke up from their deep freeze and started multiplying again. It was a miracle!

I woke up the next day with my mind screaming, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" and each day after that as well. I started feeling side effects and was super excited as each day passed.

But then I cheated and took a home pregnancy test.

It was negative. And I was crushed.

I knew something wasn't right. The subsequent home pregnancy tests were negative until they sat for a while, then there was a faint line.

And it just felt different than when I had Talitha. Yes, I still felt pregnant. But it's hard to describe. It's just "off."

I didn't get a call from the doctor today and I had to call them. I knew it wasn't good news when it was already the end of the day and they didn't call me.

The nurse told me the number for hcg was 27, which was really low. They expected at least 50 by this point.

I calmly asked about the next steps and how I'd tell Ryan. They said the number should be 108 by Monday, so I go in for another blood test next week.

When I called him, he was elated. I could hear the excitement in his voice because he wouldn't mind being a Dad again. "It's not a NO!" he said.

In my mind, it already is.

So I started to tell immediate family but felt the need for more prayers. I started to ask them to tell others to pray.

I've felt a lot of peace through this whole process, mostly because I know many people who have known about our journey have been praying deeply for this.

For us.

For me.

I've been thinking about the lyrics to a song lately, by David Dunn called "Today is Beautiful" and the chorus goes like this:

Lift your eyes
See it in a different light
Just a cloud up in the open sky
Let the rain, fall away
'Cause today is beautiful

If you see more than what's in front of you
You might see more of heavens view
If you see more than what's in front of you
You might see more of heavens view

So lift your eyes
See it in a different light
Just a cloud up in the open sky
Let the rain, fall away
'Cause today is beautiful

There are many circumstances in my life that are threatening to crush me right now. But I know I need to lift my eyes - regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy and what future steps I may need to take to get pregnant, while Ryan battles his Cancer.

I want to see Heaven's view because today is beautiful.

Please pray for God's will to be done in my life, today and always.

Thank you.

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